all over the map
It rained almost the entire day today. It was awesome. It was a perfect day to have a cry. When is the last time you felt like crawling in the bed and pulling the covers over your head and just letting it all out? Man, that is how I felt. Nothing terrible happened. Just a few little things and a couple of big things. The little things were, well..probably hormonal. Sorry guys. You can log off here.
The big things were mostly out of my control, like 2 friends in the hospital and one acquaintance having cancer treatments at 45 years old. (Bed.) I had an appointment to look at some border collie puppies today..and decided that we are not quite ready for one yet. (Covers.) Missing my dad. (Over head.) The fact that it was raining was fitting. We need it so bad. But, instead of dancing in it, I lay in bed and listened to it and wept. I felt better. But still, it was a funny day. Kind of out of body, in a way. And now, after a strange little gig tonight..I thought I would write a reflective essay on the life and times of a hormonal 44 year old mom, wife, singer, writer, part time sign language teacher, 1/2 marathoner in reluctant training, facing turning 45 in January and still trying to be a rock star. Still trying to lose the 15 pounds I put on celebrating my 44th birthday all year, and hating everything in my closet because I bought them 10 pounds ago and still feel that they should honor me by fitting.
I usually pour myself a glass of red, turn on a little cable and reflect on my day, my life and what is happening in the world at the moment. So, ok...here I go. My day was kind of a combination of sadness, release, joy, happiness, hunger, wonder and amusement. My life is pretty much the same as previously described less the emphasis on the sadness. But now we come to the 3rd part of my reflection, my meditation, if you will..when I stare at the little screen in the office while I ponder my life at midnight, usually skim over the mindless channels, find something meaningful or perhaps even funny and write a little, watch a little, write a little ..etc. But tonight I notice that everything on TV right now is just plain stupid. Tori Spelling is having a war with the tabloids because they say she is 95 pounds. She fights back by saying.."Come on over to my house and weigh me..I weigh 107".."so there, you evil lying sonsobitches." F her. I never weighed 107 in my life. Maybe sometime in 3rd grade around February I did.. Ok, and now on to my favorite HGTV... this young couple is looking for their 1st home..for 400 thousand dollars...and they are complaining that there isn't enough "entertainment" space. Bite me. Change channels to Bridezilla. Omgggggod. Who marries these women? Do you not see that your life is f*&^%&** from this day forward? Click. Off. Not even the sanctuary of Cash Cab is doing it for me tonight.
I need a time out. I need to think about happy things..I need a run. Too late and too cold out. It is about 50 tonight. 2 days ago it was 98. I love this state..but it is kind of like the bridezilla when it comes to weather. I could be a bridezilla tonight. Good thing my husband is at a gig. I might demand chocolate at 3 am..and a massage. And a new car. And that he must get a haircut. I think I will when he gets home. In fact, I am going to wait up, just so I can reenact the scene I witnessed tonight on the enlightening WE channel...the channel that is supposed to make you feel good about your life. I think it will go over well with my husband, who would have just finished his 2nd gig of the night on the heals of coming home from Houston after a late night gig there. I need to demand more of him. This working 2 1/2 jobs and only getting 5 hours of sleep a night is bullshit.
I need to go to church.
What is it about this hormonal roller coaster that makes us want to move, paint the living room, knock down walls and go for a run, then eat the world? Can't we just stay in the happy place all the time? Shut up, I am talking.
Ok.. I am now officially annoying myself. I had such promise. I had a life of accomplishment, awards, degrees and honors. Tonight, I feel like one step forward two steps back. One step forward two steps forward three steps forward will get me to the fridge. One step back will get me to the bed. 4 steps sideways will get me to the wine. I think I will go sideways. 4 steps sideways. That is my new mantra for the next 3 months. Women Who Run With Wine. I can already feel the inner power. I will name my vineyard 4 Steps Sideways, have a fancy logo and be on the Ellen show. I will have a book that goes with the wine. A CD that sings about being the age that we are, and loving it. A companion cookbook for women who run and cook with wine. An exercise plan. A yoga DVD. A yogi who channels the real Kendal Jackson. A grape stomping festival for women in their 40's+ to release any tension that had built up in their 20's and 30's when they thought they either had it all, wished for it all, married it all or ate it all.
mmm..I 'm actually feeling a little better now.
Well, my fellow women and one brave man who stuck with my blog tonight, my bed is calling..I am done crying, venting and writing for the night. I can go to bed without pulling the covers over my head and perhaps dream of flowing streams and rivers and the like. Thanks for listening. You are my bff. Now be sweet and bring mama a cupcake.
12:35 am
The big things were mostly out of my control, like 2 friends in the hospital and one acquaintance having cancer treatments at 45 years old. (Bed.) I had an appointment to look at some border collie puppies today..and decided that we are not quite ready for one yet. (Covers.) Missing my dad. (Over head.) The fact that it was raining was fitting. We need it so bad. But, instead of dancing in it, I lay in bed and listened to it and wept. I felt better. But still, it was a funny day. Kind of out of body, in a way. And now, after a strange little gig tonight..I thought I would write a reflective essay on the life and times of a hormonal 44 year old mom, wife, singer, writer, part time sign language teacher, 1/2 marathoner in reluctant training, facing turning 45 in January and still trying to be a rock star. Still trying to lose the 15 pounds I put on celebrating my 44th birthday all year, and hating everything in my closet because I bought them 10 pounds ago and still feel that they should honor me by fitting.
I usually pour myself a glass of red, turn on a little cable and reflect on my day, my life and what is happening in the world at the moment. So, ok...here I go. My day was kind of a combination of sadness, release, joy, happiness, hunger, wonder and amusement. My life is pretty much the same as previously described less the emphasis on the sadness. But now we come to the 3rd part of my reflection, my meditation, if you will..when I stare at the little screen in the office while I ponder my life at midnight, usually skim over the mindless channels, find something meaningful or perhaps even funny and write a little, watch a little, write a little ..etc. But tonight I notice that everything on TV right now is just plain stupid. Tori Spelling is having a war with the tabloids because they say she is 95 pounds. She fights back by saying.."Come on over to my house and weigh me..I weigh 107".."so there, you evil lying sonsobitches." F her. I never weighed 107 in my life. Maybe sometime in 3rd grade around February I did.. Ok, and now on to my favorite HGTV... this young couple is looking for their 1st home..for 400 thousand dollars...and they are complaining that there isn't enough "entertainment" space. Bite me. Change channels to Bridezilla. Omgggggod. Who marries these women? Do you not see that your life is f*&^%&** from this day forward? Click. Off. Not even the sanctuary of Cash Cab is doing it for me tonight.
I need a time out. I need to think about happy things..I need a run. Too late and too cold out. It is about 50 tonight. 2 days ago it was 98. I love this state..but it is kind of like the bridezilla when it comes to weather. I could be a bridezilla tonight. Good thing my husband is at a gig. I might demand chocolate at 3 am..and a massage. And a new car. And that he must get a haircut. I think I will when he gets home. In fact, I am going to wait up, just so I can reenact the scene I witnessed tonight on the enlightening WE channel...the channel that is supposed to make you feel good about your life. I think it will go over well with my husband, who would have just finished his 2nd gig of the night on the heals of coming home from Houston after a late night gig there. I need to demand more of him. This working 2 1/2 jobs and only getting 5 hours of sleep a night is bullshit.
I need to go to church.
What is it about this hormonal roller coaster that makes us want to move, paint the living room, knock down walls and go for a run, then eat the world? Can't we just stay in the happy place all the time? Shut up, I am talking.
Ok.. I am now officially annoying myself. I had such promise. I had a life of accomplishment, awards, degrees and honors. Tonight, I feel like one step forward two steps back. One step forward two steps forward three steps forward will get me to the fridge. One step back will get me to the bed. 4 steps sideways will get me to the wine. I think I will go sideways. 4 steps sideways. That is my new mantra for the next 3 months. Women Who Run With Wine. I can already feel the inner power. I will name my vineyard 4 Steps Sideways, have a fancy logo and be on the Ellen show. I will have a book that goes with the wine. A CD that sings about being the age that we are, and loving it. A companion cookbook for women who run and cook with wine. An exercise plan. A yoga DVD. A yogi who channels the real Kendal Jackson. A grape stomping festival for women in their 40's+ to release any tension that had built up in their 20's and 30's when they thought they either had it all, wished for it all, married it all or ate it all.
mmm..I 'm actually feeling a little better now.
Well, my fellow women and one brave man who stuck with my blog tonight, my bed is calling..I am done crying, venting and writing for the night. I can go to bed without pulling the covers over my head and perhaps dream of flowing streams and rivers and the like. Thanks for listening. You are my bff. Now be sweet and bring mama a cupcake.
12:35 am
I love you, Tina. That's all I can say after reading this. You speak for all of us (and make us laugh at ourselves) and I love you for it.
ReplyDeleteWell I don't think I'm the only man reading this and if I am then they are missing some really good stuff. This lives inside us all. The pain, confusion, not understanding what it's really all about. We all camp there from time to time, then we cry, and stick our heads out of the sand or in your case, from under the covers, and go, ok I'm feeling better. The sun is shinning, kids are good, the great circles of life are always in motion. I am glad you've found this avenue of expression and you really are good at it. Tears are water and water is always healing and cleansing. I'm glad I got to read this..Peace, GS
ReplyDeleteI had one of those nights Sunday night. I didn't understand it. I had an AMAZING time at church, heard a WONDERFUL uplifting, inspiring message from our pastor, came home & cooked myself a nice big brunch (I hardly EVER cook now that I'm living back at home). Then both parents were out that night so I cooked myself what was supposed to be the most incredible chicken parmesan, but the bread crumbs didn't do what they were supposed to & every bite was like chewing sand! Ewww! But all that while enjoying a very exciting day of football! Then I was getting ready to settle in for the night & something hit me like a ton of bricks. I wept....no I bawled for an hour! Still not really sure why...but I did. I turned on music that usually makes me happy, but it just made me feel worse! I finally fell asleep, then I woke up with a totally renewed spirit!
ReplyDeleteI think it's just needed sometimes to refresh us, to cleanse us of any stress, unhappiness, or fears we may be facing.
But if you don't feel better afterwards....there's always that cupcake :)