Dusty Gifts

I just erased 1/2 of a story.  Finally I sit and write and get the blood moving in my fingers, to go with the rhythm of the thought and embark on perhaps the biggest literary journey of my life! Then...then...the dog barks at a knock at the door and my head practically hits the ceiling.  He's a cute dog, but his bark is mean and strong.  So strong that my heart is still pounding.  I thank the UPS guy for the package, lay it on the desk (first I see if it contains wine or chocolate)  and then, like Charlie Brown skipping to the mailbox, I go back to the computer,  stop and open the small lid.

Inside is nothing.  Nothing at all.  1 hour of writing and all that I see is a big bunch of blah.  I slowly close the lid and search the kitchen for something sweet and bad for me.  This will distract me for a bit, before I go back to see if I was imagining that I just wasted time, writing about lame-ass things that no one but me, would care about.  I guess it was cathartic, in a way, but I wanted to have something big.  Moving.  Artistic.  Life altering.   But all I had was fluff.  Fluffy, fluff, fluff.

I find that I am negatively motivated, most of the time, to do things that do not come naturally.  I will sing any time.   I will practice, learn new tunes, organize rehearsal....I love it. But going shopping for a new outfit?  Pulling teeth.  I hate it.  I am an "occasion shopper".  If there is a big gig or party that I feel that I need to shake up the ol' wardrobe, I will wait-wait-wait until the very last minute and go to Macy's.  Or sometimes,  Steinmart.  I will pray a little "Dear St. Yeaves Saint Laurent, please lead me to the perfect outfit."  "And please make it fit flawlessly,  does not show a bulge int he bra-line, or any warning signs in the thigh areas.  And also have it be less than $100.00.  And please do not let anyone else at the party have the same fabulous outfit.  And please make this snappy, because I do not wish to spend my time in the mature ladies area for more than, let's say, 10 minutes."  In God's and all of the heavenly well dressed angel's name.  Amen."

But if I have to go buy a new pillow?  Damn.  I'm on it.  I love buying home things.  Lately I want to buy new appliances...but that seems to cross the needs/wants line.  I want a new stove.  Do I need a new fabulous stainless steel Viking oven with rockin' gas burners, a sexy stainless hood thing, new counter tops, backsplash and a built in microwave?  Maybe.  Ok...no.  I do not need them.  Would they make me happy?   Hell yeah.  They would make me even want to cook more than fish sticks.  What kind of fish actually comes out looking like a stick?  That's weird.  I'm sure it's perfectly healthy though.  But I digress.  Would my family be happier with a new oven etc.?  Why yes!  They would be, because I would be.  Is our oven not working or is it falling apart or does it cook poorly?   Pause.  Pause.  Shuffle.  Twist my hat in my gloved hands.  Kick a rock.  Well, no.  No.  It works perfectly fine.  It does need to be calibrated, but that only costs about 20 bucks.  Is it pretty and does it match the other new appliances that you and your family put money aside and proudly paid cash for?  No, it doesn't match.  Does that make you sad.  Yes.  Does it make you really sad?  Well..like...compared to what?  Like,  not having Kellie Pickler make "Someone Somewhere Tonight" an international number one hit song sad?   Well, no.  Just kind of a little sad.  Why?  Because you refuse to cook on an ugly stove?  Well, no.  I still like to cook on it.  Well what kind of sad does it make you?  It makes me the kind of sad that I feel when I watch "Fixer Upper" on HGTV and want everything sad.

So, really, this is about trying to be happy with what you have, right?

Who are you and why are you asking me questions on my very own blog?

Where was I?  Oh yeah, negatively motivated...  See, I love love to write.  But for some reason, it seems to not want to come out of my head and into the computer.  That would take sitting down for a good while and letting words flow...mistakes to edit...time away from life things...and ultimately, people judging my thoughts.   Until, one's husband says today on the phone that I have more gifts than just singing.  Working with children is one of them and writing, for example, the other.    So...inside my brain that made me feel like I was late, very late with turning in an assignment,  felt a little bad about letting some of my heart's-desires rust..so I sat down.  


Now I know that it was a loving nudge.  I know.  I also know that I can let months of wanting to's to pile up.  So thank you for helping me clean out the attic and bring down some of the dusty boxes of gifts.

So I signed up to volunteer today.  I wrote a tiny bit.  I even played a little uke.  Maybe even started a new Christmas tune.

Will it get me closer to that new oven?  Perhaps.  Will it give me points in the my "husband is right" category?  Maybe.  Did it make me feel better about my life and it's grand purpose?  Yes, a little better.

Hope you find lost gifts today too.  Not that you need to.  You probably are already tapped with giving, volunteering, writing, singing, hammering, baking cookies for the homeless with your new Viking...



Wednesday, December 9th
2:38PM

right smack in the middle of the day.